Hello everyone, I hope you’re having a great week!
I’ve noticed something rather disturbing over the last ten or twelve days of doing the exercises. When I see my DMP and PPNs and hear myself reading in my dreams, traumatic people and events from my life invade and replay until I wake in a sweat with my heart hammering out of my chest. I know it’s PTSD as I survived a very abusive childhood and have been in and out of therapy for major depression and PTSD since adolescence. I remember feeling the cold dark sadness around age 5. I curently take an antidepressant and have tried them all since admitting I had a problem with depression in my late teens. The medication helps to a degree. This is scary as hell. I really hoped MKMMA might help me find my happy place. Now I’m unsure. It feels like I opened Pandora’s Box. This is playing hell with my life.
I work on call for hospice and am required to be available 88.5-94.5 hours a week for a 40 hour salary. The hours are very erratic; scheduling a routine, including sleep, is all but impossible, I’ve spent the last few weeks playing Legos with sleep, my assignments and readings. I’m barely hanging on. Jobs for Licensed Practical Nurses aren’t well paying or plentiful. Another motivator for MKMMA. Where do I go from here? Today, I seriously don’t know. I never expected this sort of psychological fallout.
I’m going to email my Guide and let them know what’s going on. That’s a good place to start.
Thank you all for being here, I wish you boundless joy and success 🙂
Update 10/24/14 @ 1807
I’m restoring this post to public because it is what it is. I was feeling vulnerable and embarrassed when I changed the settings. Then I remembered Derek J’s tremendous leap of faith and courage with sharing about his depression. I am not alone in this journey. I am a winner! I will move past this crisis point and find my bliss!
Thank you all for being here 🙂